Books:
- Nonviolent Communication: A language of life by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg
- Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook (Nonviolent Communication Guides) by Lucy Leu
Asks vs. Demands:
Asks:
- Prepared to receive and engage with a "no"
- Specific
- Rooted in needs
- Concrete
- Generative
Demands:
- Will immediately react to a "no"
- General / Sweeping
- Rooted in judgements
- Language implies consequences if we do not comply
- Has conditions
Key elements to demands:
- The key difference between a demand and a request is that we are not willing to hear a "no".
- Demands are not about the phrasing (though phrasing can help). It's about our willingness to maintain or engage in connection with the other person, even if their response is no.
- We often make demands from a place of unmet needs. However, demands tend to address only our wants, not needs, and exclude another person's needs.
When do we find ourselves making demands most often?
- We often make demands when we react to our emotions rather than read our emotions as information about our needs. This can happen in any situation, but some of the most common circumstances where demands come up are:
- Negotiations
- Mediations
- Interpersonal arguments and disagreements
- There are circumstances where demands can come into play.
When our goal is to get what we want, the fall out is often erosion of relationships and psychological safety.
Key elements to “Asks / Requests”
- Willing to learn more about a "no"
- Make requests positive and specific
- Approach motivation (moving toward desired outcomes)
- Avoidance motivation (moving away from undesired outcomes).
- Requests that specify what we want (rather than what we don’t want) engage approach motivation, which research associates with greater creativity, persistence, and wellbeing.
- Make requests doable and present-focused:
- Present-focused, concrete requests engage action centers in the brain rather than abstract reasoning centers, making empathy and collaboration more likely.
- Distinguish between outcome and process requests
- NVC identifies two types of requests that serve different purposes:
- Outcome requests ask for specific actions: “Would you be willing to pick up milk on your way home?”
- Process requests focus on the relationship: “Would you tell me how you feel about what I just said?” or “Would you be willing to explore solutions that might work for both of us?”
- When tensions rise, process requests often prove more valuable than outcome requests, as they focus on restoring connection rather than solving problems prematurely.
- Use request language that preserves autonomy: This language neurologically signals that you’re making a genuine request rather than a demand, increasing the likelihood of willing cooperation.
- “Would you be willing to…?” “Are you open to…?” “How do you feel about…?” “I’m wondering if you’d consider…?”
- Make requests one at a time
- Instead of presenting a list of requests, make them one at a time, allowing for response between each. This reduces cognitive load and creates space for authentic dialogue rather than overwhelming our listener.
- Connect requests explicitly to needs
- When requests include the needs they’re meant to address, they activate empathy networks in the listener’s brain:
- “Would you be willing to text me if you’ll be late? It would help me meet my need for predictability so I can plan accordingly.”
- “I'm needing reassurance right now. Could you tell me what you heard me say to help with that?”
A useful formula when crafting asks/requests:
- State what you observe(d) using "I" statements
- Share how it made you feel
- Share the need not being met
- Make a specific ask that is related to getting your need met
When I heard you say _________ I felt _______ because my need for __________ was not being met. Would you be open to ______________ (specific)
When _____ happens, I feel _____________ because my need for ______________ was not met. I'd like to ask that you _______________. What are your thoughts?